8/23/2022 12:36 pm : school is ONE WEEK AWAY??!?!?!?!?
yo whats up. its been awhile since i last added an entry bc ive had a VERY busy TWO WEEKS!! my roommates finally came back so i stopped being super evily depressed... kind of sad because im still looking for a job -_-.. WTAF...? anyways today our friend meera came to visit and we went to the zoo with meeras friends too. the zoo was crazy as fuck.. there were so many animals and i fed some goats and sheep. our last exhibihit was particularly fucked up because there were a whole bunch of baboons and well i had just did my hair the day before and my hair was red like a baboons butt and the alpha of the pack came and showed his butt to me O_O?!
8/9/2022 6:30 pm : breaking down and building up again.. reminicising on my seemingly horrible childhood TW: mentions of suicide and desc of SA
today i woke up at 1 pm. i was supposed to wake up at 10:30 am and go look for jobs and go buy halloween stuff but those fell through. i went to deep cut records and asked for a job and the guy there is the only employee and wasnt hiring so that sucks, but i did get two records, my first two records actually. i almost went insane in the store when i picked up two doa records--youthquake and mad bad and dangerous-- which are pretty good albums and i also got a self recorded ministry tape that im playing now as i write this. what would really blow my mind is if i found the japanese press of the nude album either cassette or record but its pretty hard to find even online.. hopefully one day i get them. i dont even have a record player lol. last night i watched angela benedicts video on alternative kids and really had some thoughts about being a freak and not fitting in. i thought about how you really dont know who you are until after youre finished with school.. i alwasy thought i was pretty normal up until probably last night o_O..?! ive always been kind of weird and had quirks and all that and i really thought ppl liked me growing up only to realize i was kinda being used like a court jester throughout my k12 school career. i used to be a really brutal kid, i used to spit in peoples faces if i didnt like them, chew food halfway and open my mouth in the faces of preps to scare and gross them out, speak my mind about everything but everyone seemed to have a problem? kids these days are lucky to be raised with grace cause i was really beaten down into being a timid person and a labeled as a total freak.. i embrace being a freak now but WOW did people really hate me. i have really 'fond' memories of teachers telling me how mean and unruly i was, how uncivilized i was. i thought being a kid was all about being crazy and not giving a fuck i mean.. ur literally a kid ?! i didnt know any better and i didnt care whether i did or not, i was there to get through the school day and go home and do whatever i want. the mistreatment really upticked in middle school, i was consistently having beef with teachers, being sent out of classrooms, forced to do chores around classrooms for "being bad" i dont really know what i did wrong to this day. i've had teachers pull me aside and tell me how much they hated me and that they talked behind my back about how bad of a student i was, its not my fault they didnt teach well and didnt make an effort to have a positive relationships with kids in their classes especially kids who were labeled as aggressive and unfit to be taught. we were always put in classes together. it was like a total caste system in school. cool smart preppy rich kids at the top and anyone that didnt have a privileged childhood at the bottom rung. i used to be in with the preppy kids but slowly i stopped caring about school, grades, and whatever standardized testing and scores id be given and was placed in classes where all the "bad" kids were, they werent bad at all when you really get to know them, they had home problems like i did and just wanted to have a community, i dont believe any child is bad. i learned at a young age that this shit doesnt matter and it still doesnt in college lmao. i still see people absolutely losing their minds to scores and numbers in school and wonder why it hurts them so much? i mean, does this shit matter in five years? we are all here for one reason and that reason never included having good grades (atleast in my mind). my parents used to really care about my grades and how i looked (they still kinda do) but now they just want me to do my best xD, i think thats what everyone should do.. just try atleast and if it doesnt work out oh well who gives a shit, youre just another student in someone class and theyre gonna forget about u in a years time. maybe im being too pesimisstic about it cause maybe someone grades and looks do matter but im not responsible so idc LMAO. anyways back to how back my school life was, it got particularly bad in middle school as i mentioned, ive had teachers constantly telling me to shut up, to just act right, that i was priveleged to be blissfully unaware, i think all kids deserve to not care cause they arent adults and havent even lived life yet. my english teacher really had it out for me. she would constantly bully me, tell me how annoying i was, would literally start praying in class if i spoke (she was catholic) use me as the butt of every class joke, even made a sign for me to shut up and everyone was totally in on it. my classmates even held up the signs in my face. i think at that point i was the butt of jokes for years then and kinda thought it was funny at the time, now looking back, its really cruel to treat kids like that and the damage from that is really starting to bite my ass. my highschool chemistry teacher totally had it out for me too, most of my teachers did. i wasnt smart but i looked funny and behaved funny. it was a cycle. i got backed into corners again in highschool, me and my highschool bestfriend were seperated in different classes, completely different schedules, no one would talk to me because of how weird i dressed and at that point i barely spoke anymore. i was horribly depressed. my media class was even worse. i used to be in my schools newscast just because my brother used to be and i didnt have any real direction. they absolutely hated me, refused to utilize my creative skills because i had to be recording school games and school events which i couldnt even do because i had no transportation. i was being told i was lazy, didnt actually care for the class and on one particular day all of my media classmates confronted me and told me how much the teacher hated me, shoved me into the whiteboard, refused to talk to me, talked trash about me out loud to make sure i heard. it was a nightmare. i had already attempted a few times by then, i couldnt take it anymore, i barely saw my bestfriend, i had no one to talk to, and practically the whole school was against me. everyday i was being followed around by a group of girls that would point and laugh at me. i would be blamed by the school for being upfront about being sexually harassed and people who i thought who were my friends who were friends with my assualter did absolutely nothing to support me, gave me a half smile and left me for dead. i was blamed and now his mom which was a teacher told me she hated me for trying to ruin his life even he himself would go around telling people that i was trying to ruin his life. its not my fault i didnt like have your junk getting rubbed on me while i sat there frozen. did i really deserve all of this? was i that much of a freak? honestly writing about this makes me sound kinda like an incel but fr school was brutal. i always tell my friends who are in school now to not pay any attention to kids in school or even k12 school as a whole. as stupid as that sounds life does get better, people who were out to get you in school only ever peaked in school anyways. last night i really started to reflect on that. i really want to be that blunt ruthless kid again, to speak my mind whenever i wanted and never get punished for it. for the most part that is true today, even tho after all those years of school i am wildly afraid of people and cant even trust people im close to in fear of being abandoned or stabbed in the back or whether they were just using me, but im working on it. my horrible time in school was just one of the many things that made me the crazy individual today. sometimes i still feel a little self concious about my behaviors, am i being too weird? was i walking funny? do i look ridiculous? do people actually like me? but honestly who gives a fuck, nobody has died yet because i exist and say things and do weird stuff. even just a few months ago i tried really hard to fit into the fashion scene in nyc but 90% of them were all cliquey cishet people who didnt care about including people just whoever had the most money and connection to get all this rare 'archive' stuff which i realize now is super pathetic, which is ironic because most of the designer stuff they wear is designed by queer people. besides the fashion scene i still try to fit in wth my friends and strap myself down to a medical table and force myself to like all the same things they do to a tea but i just cant stomach it at all but atleast i tried and still do things with them even if its not something i would do normally which i think nowadays is really hard for people to admit that you can still be friends and be different kinds of people and still be as close as ever. my next attempt at finding more places to fit in is going to the queer goth club this weekend and im really counting on this to work out and i think it will ;D.
8/8/2022 6:24 pm : my future with trinketry
hello everyone. i just woke up from catching up on sleep debt that i needed to pay off from when i was in school -_-. sadly, i shouldve done it when i was at home in the south, but i went crazy instead. well i am sort of normal again and getting better footing in brooklyn!! today, contractors and my landlord came to my apartment and painted the walls in my basement and also redid the backyard for me. I was still laying in bed while this was happening and im pretty sure mt landlord could see me sleep or even watching me... im jk shes actually realy nice and DOES NOT watch me sleep. while i was having a snooze today about an hour or so after my last entry i got a mysterious call from a craigslist number i saved while probably high or maybe i was sober and fighting sleep i dont know. i thought this call was going to be quick but actually it took an HOUR!!! man do old people talk. i didnt really mind though because old people deserve to have long conversations on the phone. The person who called me was actually an old jewish woman in somewhat deep brooklyn. She basically gave me a verbal tour of brooklyn and now im hooked! lmao i just coded in my favorite version of hooked on love by dead or alive... coding is kind of epic B)? anyway she was telling me about all the different cultural neighborhoods in brooklyn and that made me really happy, new york will always be new york. when i moved here i kinda expected manhattan to be just as multicultural as brooklyn but its just full of rich white people living in shoe boxes (im exempt because im dope as fuck obviously also im not white and here on loans LMAO). im better off supporting something local than some chain store (sorry daiso i love you). OK so we talk for a super duper long long time about brooklyn and she tells me about all the italian people having really great lights during christmas and that its basically a tourist attraction and buses and shit come to see the lights on all the italian homes, which made me really curious if they go all out for other holidays too but i forgot to ask about halloween.. E (the old woman) lives in a fucking victorian house!!!! how cool is that?!?! she also rents out rooms in her victorian home which i think is pretty cool. she told me she puts a huge porcelain doll in every room ad ad photo she does which is really cute (only for the picture though). im so glad they kept so many old buildings in brooklyn in its original condition besides updated plumbing and alll that. i personally am pissed off that i dont live in some victorian house or chateau. Like most old people, E doesn't really know how to use technology and also shat on digital art making and how much she doesnt really know how digital stuff works which i kind of agree because how the fuck do u use photoshop? after a really really long conversation about brooklyn and technology hating she asks about me and of course i tell her im an art student that just moved here the whole nine yards EXCEPT that i am super serious about trinketry. i told her i was gonna come and get a lot of things and i really wanted this big hot pink trunk she was selling so i could put stuff in it and bring it home. We decided that it would be best to not pick up anything when the heat is unbearable but i might just turn up as soon as possible cause i REALLY need this trunk. shes also selling lots of dolls, bears, clothes, vintage tech, etc etc.. and RECORDS?! im really excited to see what records she has, i told her i like a lot of punk and new wave and lots of 80s stuff. hopefully i can come pick up stuff this week but we are emailing each other to get a good idea of what stuff i might take home. i dont have a lot of cash on me so hopefully she finds me charming enough to give me some things or maybe ill bring a whole gaggle of gay people to come get trinkets. dont know yet.
8/8/2022 11:22 am : does everyone want to kill me?
ok so this is going to sound crazy as fuck but i really do believe people WANT to kill me i know that sounds really schizo but its the truth. god put me on this earth to be hunted and slaughtered. but to be rational i think i just have really bad rejection sensitivity, so bad that rejection=actual death.. i want to say that i know all my irls and friends like me and dont want to kill me but i wont know for sure unless i go around asking and pushing all their buttoms to make sure its safe to talk to them. especially people reading this know, how do I KNOW that YOU wont try to KILL ME? i feel like a little feral child every time i bring up my concerns and distrust with humans but really really REALLY how can i know for sure that i can trust humans when they have done me wrong countless times? its mean to admit but i can hardly trust my friends, i really need a comfirmation that i can confide and trust in someone or who else could i turn to? i know people show through action or whatever and people tell me i can tell them anything and nothing will happen to me if i bring stuff up im upset with but -_- its just annoying that i cant force myself to trust my friends. learning to trust when trust was never established in your life is very hard. dont even get me started in dating and being in college and not knowing how to trust. i have no fucking IDEA how people can just trust people enough to want to share their life with them. i hardly share mine with people let alone my family at least thats what i think. im really reserved with sharing my interests and hardly trust people to be able to handle my interests or even me, i feel stupid talking about my interests with my irls because they dont get it and i have an even harder time sharing that information with people who say they like those interests. anyways dating is like the worst and most evil trap to put me in. one, i genuinely cannot hold affection for people who dont share the same music as me and two ... actually i dont have anything for the second part i just dont date people based on how attractive they are HOWEVER i will use people who are. my goal is to create connection and not so much physical cause that is an even greater trust obstacle that i cannot even fathom of doing. atleast anymore but nobody needs to know my personal history before this. anyway i think its pretty shallow that people or date around just because someone is attractive and not because they can do sick bike tricks or something.
8/8/2022 4:02 am : confronting my obsession with pete burns
i want to start this out by saying his birthday was a few days ago and he is 61 this year! happy birthday pete :3!
hello friends. this is my first neocities post? i have no idea what im doing and im learning html as i write this LOL. i was trying to make this first post as serious as possible and tried really hard to stick to the topic but i cant.. i ADORE ranting, there is nothing like the feeling of free flowing thoughts being recorded down simultaneously. like right now im writing this on my ipad and watching the dead or alive rip it up concert. can we just appreciate how fucking HOT pete looks in this concert? holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! im also about to eat tuna salad and crackers :3 this one time period in my life i used to just eat tuna salad and saltines 24-7 and nothing else...... right now im watching the rip it up version of spin me round. speaking of spin me round, people dont really read up on pete past his number one hit and let me tell YOU. i love reading little about his history online through youtube comments, his books, forums, fan sites and stuff like that. i wish there were more photos of him in his early days especially photos from he was a young punk or even earlier than that. i also wish there was more pictures of the little shop him and lynn used to run in the back of Probe. i wonder if theres anyone out there that still has a sweater or jacket that pete and lynn made? anyway pete is my super mega ultimate inspiration in the wholest widest world no man could ever beat him in a contest of whos more gender non conforming. hes like the final boss of all feminine men which i realize that most people who say they like feminine men really dont...? i know a lot of people like the idea of men wearing skirts or perhaps doing chores in girly clothes (LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO def have to make another entry for that) but i have a firm belief that i enjoy feminine men on a higher plane than everyone else more intellectually and deeper than all of you... hahah no im kidding but i really mean the latter about how ppl dont really actually fw feminine men, even back in the 80s ppl rlly didn't kno just how non conforming pete really was! to me hes a hidden trans icon, not that hes trans or anything but he defies gender so easily and so fabulously its hard not to like him as a genderqueer person. hes just pete and i love that about him. i also wish i could just be me and for the most part i am but im actively working to elevate that everyday. now.. about what i mean about people not actually liking feminine men, i think a lot of people who say that really only mean that to straight cis men and it honestly feels fake as fuck to me amd probably is. you cant be a feminine man if you are even a little queer coded or come off as queer in some way i mean look at david bowie?! like cmon have some KUNT mannerisms AT LEAST?! you dont have to be queer to be a feminine man but you do have to make the people think and speculate about you, thats my personal theorized formula. otherwise youre just a straight man in a skirt only doing it for attention and not because you actually like it xD. lmao.